2015 – Dan's Road Trip Adventures

My Trips in 2015

Dan Century November 13, 2015February 22, 2016 Leave a comment

I took two trips in 2015, one short and one long.

2015 map

The long trip, looped through 19 states.

The short trip was to Raleigh & Chapel Hill, NC.

These are my stories:

The Land Between the Lakes, Part 1

Dan Century November 13, 2015December 30, 2022 1 Comment

Arrival

The Land Between the Lakes is a large National Park nestled between two long, artificial lakes. The park features 170,000 acres of forest & wetlands, bison, a planetarium, and every 13 years, Brood XXIII cicadas. The park offers virtually any type of boating & outdoor activity imaginable.

Imagine Manhattan if all the buildings were replaced by trees, and the rats were replaced by deer and bison — that is The Land Between the Lakes.

I arrived at the park just in time to hear some chorusing cicadas (they get quiet around 5 pm). In the background, weekend warriors raced their fishing boats up the lake — their engines making “bwaaaa bwa bwa bwup bwup” sounds as they struggled to keep pace with their captains’ pride.

There were several hours of light left in the day, so I chose to enter the park before finding a hotel. I drove the speed limit, in an effort to drive slow enough to hear the cicadas I was listening for… much to the chagrin of everyone else driving on the park road. They flashed their lights and weaved in and out of lanes, all serpentine-like, in an attempt to cajole me to drive faster. But I was steadfast in my determination to travel at the speed I desired. Eventually, these bullies of the road passed.

The road never seemed to end — mile after mile of forest-lined road. It was glorious.

Pig Truck Man

I managed to raise the ire of the driver of a giant, matt-black, pig-truck — once again by driving the speed limit. The giant, matt-black, pig truck was like something out of Mad Max: Fury Road: it was a monster pickup truck, jacked-up about 3 feet higher than normal, pained matt-black, two huge stacks belching black, sooty smoke, with a pig nose for the grill, and lights for the nostrils. Most folks would be terrified by the sight of such a vehicle, two feet away from their bumper, but I was thrilled by it. I’m weaving, trying to get a photo, but failed. It was awesome though. Eventually, it passed. It would have been an honor to have been run off the road by the pig truck. All that said, I do look exactly like Immortan Joe from Mad Max: Fury Road, so the guy probably thought I was his leader. He just wanted to say “Hi”.

Quest for Bison

I made it as far south as the self-guided Elk & Bison prairie tour, paid the $5 entry fee, and was very pleased to see these mighty creatures up close.

When I was a child I spend a lot of time around lakes, rivers, woodlands, and forests. I loved the smell of a country road after a rainstorm; the mirror finish of a lake; the lively communication of birds; the contrast of a red newt on soft green moss; and awe-inspiring views of lush, green valleys from the top of tall hills.

People find solace & peace in the pop culture & toys of their childhood — Star Wars, comic books, Frankenstein, Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles, Donkey Kong, a Nirvana record, etc. For just a moment it allows them to go back in time, and escape from their troubles, worries, and responsibilities. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I find solace in nature. A National or State park is my Comicon.

The Land Between the Lakes, part 2

Dan Century November 13, 2015December 30, 2022 Leave a comment

Welcome to the truck stop

I arrived at the Hampton Inn at sunset. The sky was ablaze with ribbons of orange, gold, and red. I watched the colors fade behind the hotel; when the last drop of red drained from the black stage of the night, I walked into the hotel and checked it.

It must be said: no one tries harder to please their customers than the Kuttawa/Eddyville Hampton Inn. It was Memorial Day Weekend. You would be hard-pressed to find a hotel more patriotic than the Kuttawa/Eddyville Hampton Inn. Their staff was uninformed in red, white & blue; a variety of patriotic flair pinned & clipped to their torsos and heads. The hotel lobby was festooned with red, white & blue decorations… It was amazing. U.S. Flag key chains were free at the counter. The staff was pleasant and helpful. Free breakfast in the lobby every day, including a waffle maker. Free lemonade and treats throughout the day; come back from a long day of outdoor adventure — a cold glass of lemonade is waiting for you. Free toothbrushes! Forget to pack your toothbrush — they have you covered. Clean rooms with refrigerators and wi-fi.

The most memorable hotel worker was the night-shift desk clerk. Imagine Penn from Penn & Teller, covered with red, white & blue flair, and just bursting with enthusiasm about the holiday weekend, and with eagerness to help hotel guests. I couldn’t help but think: this guy loves his country, loves his job, loves helping people, and it’s 2 am and he has to deal with drunks and whatever maniacs are awake in the middle of the night. What a mensch!

The truck stop featured three or four gas and diesel stations, two burger joints, two hotels, a steak & country music restaurant, a Huddle House, a drive-through liquor store, and a lady who sold barbecued meats from a grill she towed behind her truck.

I know what you’re thinking: “how many times did you drive through the liquor store drive-through?” Sadly, zero times. Instead, I just walked there (and bought many PBR tall boys).

And “did you fall in love with the lady who sold barbecued meats?” Sadly, no. If I did, I would still be in Kentucky.

PBR, country music wafting through the night air, and taking photos of gas stations at night. Once the cicadas are quiet, that’s how I do it.

Local Stores

The next day, while cruising around the Land Between the Lakes area, listening for cicadas (why I was in the area in the first place), I made sure I stopped by local stores and markets to get an idea of what local life might be like.

The local flea markets were intense and possibly magical. Imagine a roadside lined with rows of shacks made from plywood and hope. Inside each was antiques, toys, clothes, Christmas artifacts, knives, preserves, dolls, cellphone cases, drones, and other dreams without a home — you name it, they had it. I walked away with pickles, a knife, and some LP recordings of the Bible.

Red Door Antiques was pretty good. They had a wide variety of antiques and collectibles. I picked up a vacuum tube tester and some rhubarb preserves. I enjoyed seeing a Big Jim vinyl camper that I think I had as a child (I vaguely remember destroying it by peeling the vinyl from its cardboard frame because I liked the sensation of the vinyl tearing).

I visited an outlet store mall. Only 10% of the stores were occupied. I bought another knife — this time a multi-tool. I was surprised by the overall lack of activity in the area — maybe it was because of the holiday weekend. Maybe not that many tourists were visiting the park.

But no, the Walmart was packed to the rafters with people. Probably all looking for a USB cable, just like me.

Oh well.

Jackson, Mississippi

Dan Century November 1, 2015December 29, 2022 Leave a comment

On the third day of my Spring 2015 road trip, I arrived in Jackson.

( Read more about the scientific aspects of my road trip on Cicada Mania. )

My destination was the Mississippi Museum of Natural Science (2148 Riverside Dr, Jackson, MS). The location was particularly vexing for my GPS, which led me through a maze of lumpy streets, the surface of which rose and fell with an amplitude of about half a meter. It was as if I was driving over frozen waves or ski slope moguls.

( An aside: My in-dash GPS is good, but it isn’t great. It probably isn’t as great as Google/Wais is, but I’m not going to risk my life and the lives of others squinting at a cellphone screen or juggling one in my hand while I drive. I do use Wais when I’m stuck in traffic though. )

The Mississippi Museum of Natural Sciences

The Mississippi Museum of Natural Sciences was nice. Their best attractions were their live fish, reptile, and amphibian environments. They had a two-headed snake and more cute baby alligators than you can imagine.

The live fish exhibits were particularly fascinating and enchanting. Definitely, a perfect atmosphere to chill out in after a long drive on a hot day.

Trails behind the museum led to the LeFleurs Bluff State Park. The trails wound through what seemed like miles of woodland, past alligator-infested lakes and the Pearl River (which I will assume is also infested with gators). My “desk potato” body was out of breath by the time I navigated all the trails and returned to the Museum.

Here’s a video of some of the many natural wonders you’ll find in LeFleurs Bluff State Park:

Maybe it is wrong to say “alligator infested lakes”. It is their home and has been for millions of years.

( My condo is a “Dan-infested condo”. )

The Hotel

Needing a place to stay, I found the nearest Hilton, and said: “I’m a Hilton HHonors member, what have you got for me”? ( Two h’s in HHonors, BTW. ) Membership has its privileges and I got a penthouse suite, on floor 14. Great view of the city. I liked that the desk chair looked like it was made in the 1960s.

If “classy” has a spectrum, the Jackson Mississippi Hilton falls on the “swank” side of the spectrum, rather than the “posh” side. This is the room:

It’s “swank”, right? Look at this chair. That is a swank chair.

The highlight of staying in the penthouse suite was that Ms. Diva was in the suite next to mine. How did I know Ms. Diva was next to me? Her Bluetooth name gave her away. I got to meet Ms. Diva in the hallway, and she looked like Janet Jackson, which seems appropriate.

Most of the hotels/motels I stayed at had breakfast in the lobby, but the Jackson Hilton had its own classy dining room. And breakfast was not free. Rule of thumb: if breakfast is in a dining room, it is not free; if it is in the lobby, particularly if there is a lobby waffle maker, it is free.

I was amazed by the number of pickup trucks in the parking lot of the hotel. Pickup trucks seem to be the new SUVs — everyone has one because they’re handy for hauling shit back from Costco and Ikea.

Dracos

After deliberating where to eat for about three hours, I settled on Dracos’s which is a seafood joint in the same parking lot as the hotel.

Draco’s claim to fame is their charbroiled oysters. In the spirit of trying everything at least once, I gave them a shot. And guess what: they’re freaking amazing. Oyster + butter + parmesan cheese + charbroiled flavor = amazingly delicious. I can’t lie.

How Lucky I Am

I was done exploring LeFleurs Bluff park & the museum, I’d met Ms. Diva, and I’d had amazing oysters, so it was time to go. I stopped by a chain pharmacy (can’t remember if it was a CVS, Rite-Aid, or Walgreens, and not that it matters) to load up on water, Red Bull, and some snacks. At the front of a checkout line was a gentleman in a wheelchair. He did not simply have a broken leg; it was apparent that he suffered from considerable physical and neurological disorders. Every moment of his transaction with the cashier was a struggle; finding the change, handing it to her, holding the soda he had purchased — all a struggle. A second and third cashier opened their registers, and the rest of us customers were able to check out quickly. I left before the man in the wheelchair and turned back to notice that he was stuck in the automatic doors. I held the door open for him, and he was finally able to leave.

I am thankful for how lucky I am to have been born with a relatively sound mind and body, and that I am able to drive around the U.S., pretty much anywhere I want to go without much effort or resistance. I’m a lucky guy.

Exhausted in Little Rock

Dan Century October 31, 2015December 29, 2022 Leave a comment

Sometimes you just can’t get a good night’s rest.

From May 20-21st, I stayed at Comfort Suites in Alexandria, Louisiana. The hotel was absolutely gorgeous: new, clean, flat TV, wifi, wood furniture, and a fridge. I watched David Letterman’s final show and then hit the sack.

What should have been an awesome night of sleep, turned into a nightmare. Throughout the whole night: Thunderstorms. Local news warned of flooding. I pointed my flashlight at the parking lot — it seemed to be flooding. Then the hotel’s power went out. Noise and worry reduced 8 potential hours of sleep, to 2 or 3.

Before noon, I hit the road and started heading for Texas. The weather was lousy and when I got closer and closer to Texas the weather got worse and worse. I’m not saying that I saw a funnel cloud — but I saw clouds that looked like two elephants wrestling with their trunks.

I stopped by a Starbucks to regroup. I walked in and headed for the bathroom. The cashier screamed at me “SIR, YOU CAN’T USE THE BATHROOM UNLESS YOU’RE A PAYING CUSTOMER”! What was I supposed to do? Order a grande mocha latte and balance it on my head while I peed? Howard Schultz, get your staff in line. After grabbing the smallest black coffee, I checked the weather. Texas was about to have some of the worst weather in its history — I made the call to head east, away from Texas. Of course, my GPS had other ideas and routed me through Texas before sending me northeast toward Little Rock, AR. Modern conveniences — Starbucks, GPS — they all give me shpilkes.

Welcome to Arkansas

A stop for energy drinks & peanut patties was enough to keep me sentient & focused, but I needed to get off the road and get some rest.

Around 3 pm I arrived in Little Rock, Arkansas. Tired & annoyed, I found the closest motel, booked a room, and after spraying myself with Deep Woods Off (just in case because of bed bugs), and slept for 18 hours. 18 HOURS! Compared to the hotel I stayed at the night before, this place was sort of a dump. The staff was great, but my room looked like it hadn’t been updated since 1978. It was definitely crusty.

My nap was punctuated by noises from tow trucks and hotel patrons, and the periodic fear that my car was being stolen, but I finally got all the sleep I needed.

The guy in the room next to me looked like character actor Dennis Burkley, which was cool.

And they had a lobby waffle machine! Four stars.

Jungle Jim’s: the Greatest Supermarket in America

Dan Century October 31, 2015December 29, 2022 Leave a comment

Jungle Jim’s (4450 Eastgate South Drive, Cincinnati, OH) is the greatest supermarket in America.

Imagine waking up one day and thinking: “you know what, I’m not satisfied with the boring local supermarket.” “I want a market that has the most diverse selection of foods & beverages imaginable, including exotic foods from faraway lands, and I want the experience to be fun for the entire family.” I imagine that is what Jungle Jim thought when he got the idea for the Jungle Jim’s supermarkets in Fairfield and Cincinnati, Ohio.

Now imagine a food store as huge as a Walmart, featuring every type of food you can imagine (and some you cannot), decorated with gorillas, rhinos, real airplanes, 50′ dragons, and 1960’s cultural icons. Imagine a Whole Foods + a Wegmans + a Trader Joe’s + a liquor store + a cigar store + Disney Land, and that is Jungle Jim’s.

Don’t believe me? Check these stats:

Five isles of hot sauce, with a real fire engine parked amongst it to get your attention.
Two or three long aisles of soda pop (they call it pop in Ohio).
A candy section as big as a house.
Isles and isles of craft, international, and big-brand beers, and wines.
Five or six isles of International foods.
Need candy shaped like a toilet from Japan? They got it.
Need Jelly Babies from England? They got it.
Need Licorice Cats from Holland because that is the old thing that cures your gout? They got it.
Need some “century eggs” or bird nest soup from China? They got it.
Need some lollipops with crickets or ants inside them? They got those.
Need a hookah pipe? They got those too.

Whenever I’m in the Cincinnati area I fill my entire car trunk with unusual foods, snacks, and pop from Jungle Jim’s. It makes the 10-hour trip all the more worthwhile.

Foodie Entrance:

Restrooms:

Why, yes, they do have 5 isles of hot sauce:

A random display devoted to 1960’s musicians? Sure, why not:

Coke R2-D2:

New Orleans in 3 Hours

Dan Century October 31, 2015December 29, 2022 Leave a comment

Is it possible to experience a city in only three hours? No.

However… if three hours are all you have, you can still have a great time. This article will show you how to have the maximum amount of fun in a limited period of time, using New Orleans as an example.

#1: park your vehicle, because you’re going to walk the town. Choose your parking space carefully. I chose to park near the place I wanted to visit the most (Red Truck Gallery). The streets are narrow in New Orleans, so fold in your driver-side mirror, so a truck doesn’t knock it off your car.

#2: if you’re going to drink, do that first, so you’re sober by the end of your improvised tour of the city. I recommend Muriel’s (801 Chartres Street). This bar/bistro serves amazing fancy drinks (or regular drinks, if you’re not into fancy drinks). It is also an opportunity to use a clean bathroom (so rare when you’re on a multi-city road trip).

#3: Observe everything. As you walk around the town, notice everything quirky, unusual, and unique to the city. Record it all in your memory, and put photos of it on Instagram, Flickr & Facebook (if you use those sites). In New Orleans, be on the lookout for drain pipes that look like fish, koi fish painted on the sidewalk, fleur-de-lis symbols, ornate drains along the foundations of buildings, the occasional Mardi-Gras bead embedded in a sidewalk crack, random things like wreaths made of snow cones, and of course the amazing New Orleans architecture. Remember: you might never get another chance to return, “so soak it all in” so you have no regrets later. on.

#4: Pick a primary destination, and spend an hour there. You might choose to check out some jazz music, or maybe your thing is to feast on gumbo and muffuletta, or maybe you just want to chill in a park and watch some street performers. Again, notice every detail — every sight, smell, and sound. Soak it all in, and participate if you can. Tip performers.

My primary destination was the Red Truck Gallery (938 Royal St). The art they feature really resonates with me. I’ve met them at art fairs like Scope in NYC, but to visit their gallery in person, was really something special. I made sure that I connected with the people working in the gallery, I took a free card advertising their latest show, and I soaked every detail in. I got to meet artist Bryan Cunningham and bought one of his paintings.

A wall of art by Bryan Cunningham in the Red Truck Gallery (RIP):

Generally speaking, if you like one destination in a neighborhood, you’ll enjoy others nearby. Royal Street in New Orleans has many unique galleries and shops, and I made sure I visited as many as I could.

Art by Jill Ricci at Orange Gallery (819 Royal St.):

Art by Chris Roberts-Antieau at Antieau Gallery (927 Royal St.):

#5: Connect with people. Smile. Make sure you talk to people. Try to get an interesting story or two from them. Even if you’re in a city for only three hours, don’t be a ghost.

#6: Eat Something! Eat something unique to the city. My “food” of choice was pralines. America’s greatest art forms include music and food — New Orleans has both, so make sure you experience them.

#7: Visit the touristy side of town, and load up on souvenirs. In New Orleans, you specifically want to get boxes of pralines, beads (and get the fancy ones), and hot sauce, in addition to the standard t-shirts, magnets, stickers, and shot glasses. Get plenty of stuff with the color scheme purple, green & gold; stuff with the fleur-de-lis on them, plenty of alligator heads and jesters.

#8: Have some fun people watching. Check out the performers, musicians, shopkeepers & barkers. Check out the tourists. Check out the locals. Check out the locals checking out the tourists. Don’t be surprised when a woman on stilts, wearing a purple, green & gold bikini, hands you a flyer for an exotic revue or for a nearby poorboy shop.

Once you’ve achieved all these steps, you are free to go. Unless you are not sober — if so, hang out until you are.

Remember: you only live once, so experience all you can without harming others, and without regrets.

Elvis Presley’s Jets

Dan Century October 31, 2015December 29, 2022 Leave a comment

Back in 1995 I visited Graceland (35.048798, -90.026006) and took the official tour of the mansion. I saw the Jungle Room (I remember lots of green shag carpeting), the TV room (decorated in the colors of the Pittsburgh Steelers), and the billiards room (with pleated fabric on the walls and ceiling). While the mansion was much smaller than I expected, it was clearly the castle of a king who knew what he liked, and had it custom-made. At the time I was unable to see Elvis’ jets.

Flash forward to 2015, and I’m back at Graceland specifically to see Elvis’ private air force. Rumor had it that his jets were sold to a collector, and this was my last chance to see them.

I had a minor incident with the parking lot toll troll. Here’s a tip for the folks who run Graceland: put up a big, easy-to-read sign that says “Parking $10”, so “foreigners” like myself understand there is a fee to park. Yeah, the troll called me a “foreigner”. It doesn’t bother me. I look like Lucious Malfoy, so I understand her confusion.

Having paid my dues to the toll troll, I made haste for the jets. The folks who run Graceland are shrewd business people — to get to the jets, you have to get a ticket and then navigate a gauntlet of souvenir gift shops. Make no mistake: the souvenirs are Graceland are some of the finest quality souvenirs you will ever buy. There are no snow globes that leak; no pint glasses with logos that wash off after the third wash; no chintzy t-shirts with neck holes that are too small or that shrink or fade after the first wash. Graceland = quality. I got an awesome gold-on-black TCB Quickly t-shirt & a bumper sticker for my vehicle.

On to the Jets…

There are two jets at Graceland. One large, and one small. The large one is called the Lisa Marie, and the small one… might also be called the Lisa Marie (I’ll get back to you on that).

The Lisa Marie:

As you can see from the photos, it’s a nice, looking jet. Nice red, white and blue color scheme. Maybe a little schmutz on the undercarriage. It doesn’t have the “wingtip device” featured on modern planes, otherwise, it looks like a standard passenger jet.

The Lisa Marie has everything Elvis could need: a bar, a conference room with a surfboard table, and a bed for sleeping or “hunching”. Everything inside is either green or brown or somewhere in between — the same color scheme as the Jungle Room in the mansion. My mother had green appliances in the 1970s, so I think it was a 70s thing.

Bed, covered with a plastic slipcover:

Conference room with surfboard table:

The smaller jet

The smaller jet was much less posh and more practical. It was clear that this vehicle was for short trips — maybe to hop across town to get another peanut butter, bacon, and banana sandwich.

I’m glad I got to see Elvis’ jets before they were hidden forever in a collector’s warehouse or ground up for scrap metal. Elvis was a King, and in most ways, he exemplified the good (jets & mansion) and bad (burning out your body from having to work so hard) of the American dream.

South of the Border, the Quintessential Roadside Attraction

Dan Century October 31, 2015December 30, 2022 Leave a comment

South of the Border is an amazing guitar solo in the otherwise mediocre song that is Interstate 95.

Growing up, South of the Border was legendary. It was a mystical place filled with fireworks, primary-colored souvenirs, and frozen desserts. Any kid lucky enough to have a family that made the road trip from New Jersey to Florida returned from summer vacations with magical tales of the place — and paper sacks overflowing with firecrackers, bottle rockets, and roman candles. And of course, their family car (typically a station wagon) was tattooed with the iconic South of the Border bumper sticker.

At the decrepit age of 46, I finally made it to the Mecca of roadside attractions. I arrived about an hour before sunset, providing the perfect light to make all the yellows yellower, and all the reds redder, including the sombrero and slacks of the gigantic South of the Border mascot dude. 85% of everything at S.O.B. is colored a slightly-orange yellow (like Velveeta cheese) and tomato red.

The grounds were populated by several gorillas and flamingos. I am not sure of their significance other than family photo opportunities. Maybe a hug for a road-weary and lonely traveler.

South of the Border is roughly the size of a college campus, filled with multiple gift shops, a fireworks store, places to eat and get ice cream, and a hotel/motel. Each gift shop has its own personality. One has a nautical/ocean/tiki/flamingo theme; another is upscale and hoity-toity featuring gifts costing hundreds of dollars, and yet another is a supermarket-sized building dedicated to Mexico-themed souvenirs. The nautical-themed shop resonated with me, since I live at the beach, and the staff was helpful and humorous. I loaded up on magnets, ashtrays (I don’t smoke), shot glasses (I rarely drink), coffee mugs, and of course bumper stickers (which cost a dime or a quarter, and the proceeds go to charity).

I purchased a lot of magnets:

Since this was day one of a 9-day road trip, I did not purchase a sack of fireworks, but I did festoon my vehicle with the classic South of the Border bumper sticker.

Finally visiting S.O.B. filled one of the many holes in my swiss-cheese soul. The mystery was no longer a mystery. I got to do what all the lucky kids got to do 40 years ago.

###

PostScript. If I was still in college I would probably write a paper about how S.O.B. engages in cultural appropriation or stereo-types Mexican culture. 25 years later, I’m just happy the place still exists.

I-95 is Atrocious

Dan Century October 25, 2015December 29, 2022 Leave a comment

I-95 is atrocious — from the border of Delaware and New Jersey to Richmond, Virginia it is possibly the worst road to travel in the U.S. due to traffic/congestion. What should take 4 hours, will often take twice that or longer. The traffic is due to the overpopulated Washington D.C. megalopolis and Virginia beach vacationers.

I-95 is filled with locals. You would think that they would learn to avoid this road, however, they’re using it too, to get to the mall or to church or wherever. This amazes me. Personally, if I did not have to be on I-95, I would avoid it like toxic waste.

MD-295 is a little better. Yes, it is also a virtual parking lot, but there are more curves and trees, and you’ll get to see Washington D.C.

This photo of the Washington Monument isn’t good at all, but this is exactly how it looks from the highway:

Winding curves, hills, roadkill, odd/amusing garbage on the side of the road, and landmarks can make a congested road more bearable. Exits, merges, and construction provides a momentary distraction, but ultimately only compound the agony.

When I have to endure something miserable for a long period of time, like 4 hours of dental surgery or 9 hours on I-95, I apply a technique I call “going dead inside”. Just relax and put yourself in the mindset that you are already dead, and none of the miserable stuff matters. Works like a charm.

Last, I’ll mention what I like to call the Disneyland of Bladder Relief, which is the Maryland House Rest Area. Virtually everyone who travels between Virginia and New Jersey stops at the Maryland House, and without a doubt, it smells like it. Most people use the bathrooms at New York Penn Station or Grand Central Station, as examples of bathrooms that receive a mind-numbing amount of patrons (with poor aim), BUT they can’t hold a urinal cake, er…, candle to the Maryland House. It’s there for a reason, and it does its job well enough.